How We Came to Hate Earth
by Mikenator
Summary: After Zim's continuing failed attempts to conquer Earth, the Almighty Tallest look back on exactly why they sent him to the miserable little dirtball in the middle of nowhere in the first place. Might have something to do with them both being responsible for the greatest UFO cover-up in human history. - An updated fix to 'Roswell'. Hopefully updates, in the near future.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim, or anything connected to the Roswell crash of 1947.

* * *

Roswell

* * *

"And that, My Tallest, is how I will take over Earth with explosive mutant pink flamingos!" Zim said proudly, from his underground base on Earth.

And once again Red and Purple were, as usual, listening to one of Zim's 'brilliant' plans. The little defective had been on Earth for years now, and hadn't gotten any closer to dominating Earth than the day he landed there. The Almighty Tallest had first taken Zim's constant updates as jokes, usually laughing into tears every time he botched another one of his 'genius plans'.

"Um . . . that's great Zim. Maybe this time it'll work." Red said sarcastically.

"Thank you, My Tallest! Invader Zim signing out." Zim ended with a loyal salute to his leaders, before ending transmission.

Normally, the entire bridge of the Massive would break out into snickering and unmaintainable laughter, but these days Zim's constant check-ins have become mundanely routine. Not that they still didn't bring some sick joy to the twin appointed rulers of the Irken race. Today, however, they both let out bored sighs.

"I don't know why he even bothers anymore." Purple said crossing his arms.

Red pulled out a tall soda for himself, out of thin air, taking a long sip from the straw before replying to his counterpart. "Remember when we thought sending him to Earth was actually a good idea?

"Yeah. Come to think of it, I don't even remember why we chose Earth in the first place." Purple answered, scratching his chin.

The other Tallest paused, mid-sip, and looked at Purple almost disgustedly. "What do you mean you don't remember? We were there, idiot." He gave Purple a smack on the head, the victimized leader letting out a yelp in surprise before rubbing the side of his face with his gauntlet.

Pouting to himself, Purple's memory flashed quickly from the confines of his PAK, and his eyes shot open. "Wait, now I remember..."

* * *

 _Somewhere in space, far beyond the territory of the Irken Armada._

 _"So why are we out so far again?" Purple asked Red._

 _Red, who was piloting the ship answered. "Because, for us to complete our Invader training, we need to scout out one inhabited undiscovered planet and send back valuable data on it for possible invasion."_

 _"Oh." Was all Purple said in response, and stared blankly out into space through the cockpit window. "And then, we'll become Tallest."_

 _The two Irkens were still mere fresh Elites, having just been granted Invader training a year ago. They were at this time, much shorter, and wore standard Irken uniforms._

 _Red blew wind out of his mouth snarkily. "As if!"_

 _"Like we'll ever be tallest, one day. We'd be lucky to get another growth spurt, by now." Purple stated in disappointment._

 _"At least we have a batter chance than Zim does. Short little pipsqueak." Red added, and they both snickered at his comment._

 _The two entered a solar system with nine planets and a sun in the middle (I'm considering Pluto a planet so nobody gets confused). Purple, having something to do finally, activated the ships bio-scanner for any signs of life forms or technology as they flew deeper into the system._

 _"This system is relatively new, but has the conditions to support life." Purple said enthusiastically._

 _"Eh, I've only seen gas planets so far. Maybe once we get inside that rock belt." Red added. They spent the next few minutes analyzing the plain boring gas giants, and they grew closer to the star at the center. Solid rock planets began to appear on their sensors._

 _"Hmm.. too hot, too hot, dormant planetary tech... but no life signs." Suddenly, the shipped started beeping. "Wait hold on. I'm picking up moderate readings on that blue one!" Purple said, pointing at a blue and green planet that had just came into view. "Readings are really strong now, lot of organic and electrical readings and odd transmissions."_

 _"Looks like that Vortian was right. Good thing he spilled his beans when we roughed him up." Red engaged the spittle runner's stealth drive, and started a controlled decent through the planet's atmosphere_

 _Breaking through to a manageable cruising, the two Irkens found themselves flying over a vast thunderstorm system currently over a portion of land. For the time being, Red decided to stay above it, until they were ready to perform reconnaissance._

 _"Okay... All we have to do is take a few pictures of the area and send some life form and technology data, then were all set and can head back to the Armada" Red explained. He looked over to Purple, who was fiddling with what liked like aluminum foil and tent polls. "What are you- why do you always bring that stuff with you when we go on scouting missions?" he asked his purple-eyed counterpart._

 _Purple narrowed his eyes at Red for questioning his hobbies. "It's not 'stuff'. I think Technetratanium foil is cool." He crumpled up the foil into a ball only for it to reform into its original sheet shape, which brought a giddy smile tot he purple-eyed Irken elite._

 _"But we use it for insulation. And what's with the sticks?" Red asked again._

 _"Well . . . I made them, so they're important to me. They're my lucky scouting sticks." Purple answered, hugging the hand-carved close to his chest. "You shouldn't really be flying this close to a storm." He said to Red._

 _"Please, I think I know what I'm doing. I'm just going to fly through it really quick so we can see the ground." Red dipped the spittle runner into the storm clouds and in a few seconds, appeared underneath them. They were greeted with a vast red dessert, pockmarked with trees and what looked like un-natural rodes a ways off. "See I told you nothing would . . ." A lightning bolt hit the ship, mercilessly rocking the two inside. Engine alerts and sirens blared withing the cockpit, instantaneously._

 _"What's going on?!" Purple shrieked in terror_

 _"Massive energy surge from the storm! I've lost the engines!" Red screamed._

 _The ship dipped and began free-falling tot he ground, catching on fire for some reason. Red tried with all his might to power through the decent, and using the ship's retro rockets was able to put the runner into a steep glide. Purple, however, continued to scream and panic in his co-pilot seat._

 _Just before impact Red pulled up hard on the controls, and the spittle runner hit the ground hard and skipped off the dirt. It skid the ground, again, and met a quick stop on the side of a rock, knocking both Irkens out cold on impact._

* * *

"Yeah, I remember that part. You screamed the whole way down." Red said, remembering what Purple was talking about.

"And it only got worse, after that."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as in Chapter 1.

* * *

Chapter 2

* * *

Red's vision slowly came back to him, as the ships's flashing display sharpened into view. It was already running an automatic damage assessment before he had woken. The Irken groaned and fought with his harness to free himself from the pilot seat. Finally undoing the straps, he looks over at Purple who was still unconscious but still managed to grip onto the technetratanium and the stick things. He didn't appear dead, and he himself didn't appear to have any major injuries. Paying little mind to his partner, for a moment, he looks over the ongoing damage report on the ship.

The runner's engine systems had been shorted by the storm, and were on a long hard reset to recalibrate themselves. The left side thruster was damaged by the landing, and the cabin space shield had been several cracked on impact, but still sealed. Other than that, the ship was in one piece and nothing the auto-repair system couldn't handle while they got their bearings. Setting the ship to begin its own repairs, Red unfastened his partner, and opened up the hatch to drag Purple a few feet away from the crash. During the rough move, the unconscious Irken dropped his things and now lay on the ground a few feet away. Red bent over his unconscious friend, shaking him to wake him up.

"Hey . . . hey. Come on, you need to get up." Red said to Purple, completely exhausted and out of breath. He knew his efforts were in vain, as only a small murmur escaped Purple's lips. Red couldn't muster up enough strength to go any further, and began to feel lightheaded and passed out next to his partner.

* * *

A Willies Jeep drove up to the crash site. A tall man with dark hair stepped out. He was wearing off duty WWII era army fatigues and major leaves on his collars. Stepping out of the vehicle, ogling at the sight before him with bewilderment. He had no words, no thought to what he was looking at. He just stared at the crashed spittle runner, the fire now dying out. He looked to the left at Red and Purple.

"Oh my god!" Was all he could spit out, almost out of breath. He could not believe his eyes! He walked over to the two and tilted his down toward them. "This is . . . unbelievable." The man said. He bent down toward Purple and rose back up; holding the technetratanium and the sticks in his hand.

"Space foil and sticks with weird writing on them . . . COOL!" the man shouted, as if, he had won the lotto. "I can't wait to show this to my son!" With that, the man ran back to his jeep and drove off.

* * *

A few hours later, half a dozen jeeps and a few trucks and a flatbed drove up to the crash site. About two dozen soldiers armed with M1 Garand rifles surrounded the perimeter of the crash. A dozen other men, head to toe in hazmat suits, walked over to the crash and the unconscious aliens with stretchers. A hazmat in front looked down at Red and Purple.

"They still seem to be alive. Let's get them on the stretchers and to the base." The hazmat's voice was muffled from the mask, but the others managed to understand him. The other 11 hazmats carried Red and Purple to one of the trucks and covered them with a black cover.

"What shall we do with the ship, sir?" one of the hazmats asked the leader.

"Load it onto the flatbed and take it to the base." The hazmat leader ordered. The other nodded and motioned to a small crane attached to the flatbed. It picked up the spittle runner in one shot and placed it on the bed.

The assistant hazmat looked to his leader, who was for some reason, staring at where Red and Purple used to be laying. "Sir, what are you doing? We're ready to leave." He said poking the leader's shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking what such a discovery this is. Everything we knew about space and alien life can be now answered from those two." The leader spoke with such enthusiasm; it's as if he had found the answer to the universe itself.

"Well sir. That's only if they survive long enough for us to talk to them, and even if they speak our language." The assistant hazmat said.

"Ah yes, you're quite right. We better be going then." The leader said. They both walked over to one of the jeeps, as the soldiers reloaded back into the trucks along with the other ten hazmats. They sped off, leaving the crash site barren. Except for the impact crater, there was no evidence that anything landed there.

The leading hazmat sat in the back right seat of the second jeep; being chauffeured by a soldier. He turned to his assistant who was sitting next to him. "This is going to be a very promising year for Roswell, New Mexico."

* * *

P.S. To Jesse Marcel Jr. If by some chance you ever read this, I apologize if I cameo-ed your father incorrectly.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as Chapter 1.

Chapter 3

* * *

The first thing that came back to Red's senses was sound. Muffled, wordless, and multiple voices going back and forth in conversation. As he cracked his eyes, he was hit with a blinding fluorescent lighting from above. Shutting them again in reaction, the Irken began squirming his limbs freely; at least he wasn't cuffed or strapped down on a table. He manages to right himself up and rubs his eyes, dull pains from several places on his body making themselves known from the crash.

"Uuuuugh." The red-eyed Irken rubs his head, as his partner comes into view on his left.

"It's about time!" The irate Purple crossed his arms, looking Red over quickly. Red was relieved his buddy was awake and not dead, but someone had taken the liberty of covering certain parts of his face and body with some primitive gauzes. He guessed some half-assed attempt to provide medical treatment. "Those things kept telling me to wait until you woke up."

Purple pointed one of his spindly fingers across their blank stark white cell to a thick plexiglass wall, where a bunch of unfamiliar beings in white lab coats huddled around each other and gazed in on the Irken Elites with peeked interest.

"It seems Subject Two also speaks English!" One said. "An astonishing discovery!" From another. And the entire group began taking furious notes on their clip boards.

"Hehe, watch this." Nudging Red humorously, Purple faces the group of observers and starts to scratch his butt lazily. Immediately all the scientist gasp in amazement.

"Pruritus relief of the posterior through usage of Subject One's digits…. AMAZING!" "Fascinating!" "Noteworthy!" "Discovery!" The white-coats shouted their unnecessary one-liners and once again scribbled intensively. Purple giggled at their reactions. "Enough! Ah, Subject Two is finally awake." The group of scientists parted to make way for a tall thin man with greying hair in an open white lab coat. "I do apologize for my colleagues' enthusiasms. You're the first two aliens that have landed on our planet alive, and not seriously injured from your… unexpected landing I'm assuming." He waved a hand and scoffed at his own ramblings. "Ah, but where are my manners. You may call me Dr. White, and you are in a classified research facility on planet Earth."

Red and Purple looked at eachother blankly as the 'leader' of the white coats addressed them, knowing full well what the protocol for unknown alien contact was. Don't give away Irk's location, the mission, or overall intentions, play yourself off as peaceful. And make it colorful. Dr. White looked in cautiously as the Irkens nodded to each other in silent agreement. "And what may we call both of you? I'm sure Subject One and Two is not fitting for our extraterrestrial guests."

Both Elites shrugged. Names were okay. Red points to himself, then at his comrade. "I am Red, and this is Purple. We hail from the mighty-eh, peaceful planet of Irk." The quick correction flies by every Earth-'ling' on the other side of the cell, and they seem satisfied with the answer. But Dr. White claps his hands amusingly.

"I see you've played on my own words of coordinating your names with colors. Very clever. It matters little what your actual names are."

Red frowns, his antennae drooping with offense. "But… that actually is our names."

"Ha! What advanced alien race would name themselves after colors?!" Figuring the kidding was intentional, Dr. White waves off Red's counter. Which, in turn, only annoyed the red-eyed Irken.

A lone scientist enters the observation room's left side, carrying a clip board in front of him. "Doctor, the spacecraft is ready for inspection. We managed to put out the rest of the electrical fires." Dr. White smiles and nods at the status update, and the Irkens look at each other nervously. The head scientist notices their change in emotion, and smiles menacingly into their cell. "I hope you both weren't expecting to return to your planet. At least… not after we're done with your ship." Dr. White walks disappears with most of the other scientists, laughing manically in the distance until a heavy metal door is heard closing. Only four scientists are left observing the pair of Irken Elites.

Red and Purple huddle up in front of their white metal cots, facing away from the scientists. "This is bad, we have to call and prep the ship. I had it set to auto-repair before I blacked out." "Okay, but-" Red stops Purple in an attempt to bring up his ship assessment scanner from his PAK, with no avail. "What…" Reaching back, Red feels some kind of smooth metallic fabric covering his PAK; bindings to keep the access ports shut. Purple turns to show his own PAK to Red, revealing a shiny grey tape seamlessly covering its entirety. "They put this stuff on when I tried doing the same thing, except hey tazed me. Jerks…"

Looking over at the remaining scientists, scribbling and muttering something about 'duct tape', Red taps Purple on the shoulder and whispers to him. "Remember that Vortian ploy we were trained to watch out for, during interrogations?" Thinking to himself for a minute, Purple smiles and nods letting Red take the lead. Both Irkens turns and approach the plexiglass to address the scientists. Red clears his throat, politely. "We have to go to the bathroom."

The scientists only stare at both Irkens, and once again utter words of astonishment as they write down on their clip boards.

Red, not amused, crosses his arms and taps his foot. "No, we really have to go to the bathroom." "Yeah, there's no toilet in here!" Purple added, clearly irritated.

Looking at each other again, the scientists shift uncomfortably and talk amongst themselves. Red smirking as their plan started to work and the group of Earthlings walked to the left and disappeared from sight. After a minute, the white wall on the side the scientists walked to creaked and swung upon to reveal four dressed in head-to-toe hazmat suits and flanked by two more holding some sort of projectile weapons.

"Follow us, and don't try anything funny." The suited-up scientist ordered and slowly lead Red and Purple out of the white room and into a white and green tiled hallway. The hazmat suits with guns were cautiously pointed at them and the Irkens were lead down and around the corner to two white doors with little person icons that varied slightly. They stopped and the scientists, once again, observed the Irkens as they stood awkwardly in from of the two bathroom entrances. "The one on the left is for males, and the one on the right is for females." One scientist pointed out, while the others nodded in agreement. Red and Purple looked at eachother and shrugged, gravitating to the left door and pushed it open. Needless to say, their decision produced quite the reaction from the scientists.

As Red and Purple entered the bathroom they felt the scientists' presence following right behind them and the Irkens swatted them away in annoyance. "Hey! A little privacy?" Taken aback by Red's retaliation the scientists raised their hands and backed out of the bathroom, all apologizing profusely.

"Can't believe that worked." Now alone, aside from audible murmurings from the other side of the bathroom door, The Irken Elites began examining the bathroom, stalls, and sinks head for any means of escape. Purple stops and points, silently to an air duct above the end stall. Both Irkens nod to each other and go into said stall, using the toilet rim and each other to boost Red high enough to reach the grate. Luckily it required a little jiggling to come loose, and he handed it quietly to Purple who placed it on the ground. He looked into the air duct and crawled inside, managing to turn himself around to help Purple up. "It's a little tight, but we'll fit." Purple jumped up to grab Red's outstretched hands, only to slip on the wall and accidently kicking the toilets flusher by accident.

The toilet began its cycle, and the sound of panicking scientists can be heard from the other side. "Wait, don't flush! We want samples!" The door barged open, and all four scientists opened each stall simultaneously, with no sign of the aliens to be found. "Guys…" The other three looked over at the scientist manning the end stall, who looked down at the empty filling toilet and duct panel from the grate above. One of the scientist breathed in sharply, panic quickly settling into the group. "Not good."


End file.
